This just in: An Amber alert has been issued for Chelsea Clinton. Daughter of the forty-second President Bill and full time stay at home reigning-candidate, who coincidentally is Bill’s wife. According to local authorities, Ms. Clinton mysteriously disappeared shortly after publicly announcing a bid to run in 2020. The timing has naturally aroused suspicion.
Shortly after the midterms, Chelsea began exploring the possibility of designing a campaign based on her parent’s “Triangulation” model. By all reports, leaning to the right to appeal to a broader base was a tactic she intended to radicalize. Efforts began to reach across the aisle to find a Republican to run with her on a “Two Party Ticket”. The plan had the advantage of appearing to be an inspiration to bipartisan action and a bridge toward easing polarization. It is also a means to totally dominate the political spectrum. Any remnant of the “Right” would be pushed so far off the map it would be beyond the reach of even the Clinton Global Initiative for Assistance.
Contrary to popular opinion, there is a great deal of common ground the “two camps” cover. Support for continued war in the Middle East, for-profit healthcare, private prisons, fracking, a balanced budget, paygo, authoritarianism, corporate collusion, etc. All areas they agree on, have their voters primed to accept and could work together in bipartisan fashion to further undermine the American public. She felt most would leap at the offer of a shared presidency. She was wrong.
Her efforts to extend a hand to Eric Trump only resulted in a hastily delivered check for $120.000 and a box of semi-thawed steaks. It was then that staffers claim she decided to advertise in the National Review for running mates and consequently went missing. A spokesperson for her mother, she who must not be named, refused to comment other than to say, “All will be revealed by WikiLeaks eventually and that she was busy helping to roll up stolen carpets to be sent to the White House as a “strong message”. Whatever that means!